Harri

Aftermath


Author's Note

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I'm in an uncomfortable place with the Harry Potter series right now. ...I think many can sympathize.

What I've published so far is a working version of the main story of Harri. I had always planned to attend to it further; to shore up details and expand further upon the structure of the story. But what is up is all that there is: nothing thought of has been left unsaid. It's functional, even if slightly crude, bare bones, and stiched together.

What I've written stands alone, and I wanted to present it first. But the story isn't complete without the "aftermath": a secondary story that follows Harri as an adult. The epilouge as-written dances around it, but crucial aspects to the story and how it reflects on the story as a whole remain unwritten. I was hoping to write and release it sometime in the year or so following the release of the main story. At this point, I don't know if I'll ever come back to the project. But the story isn't complete without it, and I don't want to just leave it as-is indefinitely.

Below I'm going to post my story notes on the project. If you care about this story as a narrative, feel free to skip over them on the off-chance I'll be able to deliver the experience in a fuller way someday in the future. But for now, I want to leave it here and move on.

My endgame for Harri is that she ends up in a relationship with George as an adult, as she had been somewhat involved with both Fred and George when she was younger/before her relationship to Snape began (and George's romantic relationship to Fred began: something she was the catalyst in bringing out between them).

Both of them process their prior relationships to their dead lovers, and each other, and how fucked up everything was and is for them and what it's like to be in the quiet aftermath of trauma... and how it's never really over.

I think genuinely Harri and George do love each other, but it's also not clear cut if it's familial/friendly love or romantic love or if there's even a difference between those things for them and how that... was the same experience they had with their prior partners.

So they're both sort of processing similar experiences in very different ways.

Both of them recognize that they'll never be what the other one's partner was, and how they're both stand-ins to each other. Two broken soldiers, using the other as a crutch.

Both dont feel like they can ever have normal relationships with anyone else ever again now, and the relationship takes on an incestuous tone by way of shared trauma (and... visually, I suppose).

Harri has a lot of horrible experiences and emotions to work through, and takes it out on George. There's a lot of twisted, freaked out retroactive feelings about her relationship to both Snape AND George that she processes very differently at different times.

George is very good at being a post to lean on for Harri when she's spinning out, but he's also dealing with his own traumas, and Harri is more or less the only person who ever "breached" his relationship to Fred so in a way he's very aware of being kind of dependent on/codepenant with Harri.

She's like the substitute for the phantom limb of his brother.

There's a lot of guilt between the two of them that's just sort of out in the open because they can't do anything about it. It just is this way, and they know it.

---

Harri falls apart very shortly after the end of the battle at Hogwarts, and has a huge meltdown with/at Hermione right there on the spot (shortly following a comic I've already written where Hermione asks about the shirt she's wearing).

The dialouge of that fight is something I scripted out offhand awhile back and is (very roughly) as follows: Harri: i loved him. and he loved me.
Hermione: harri.... you were a child, and he was using you
Harri: HE was using me? EVERYONE was using me!
and ive NEVER been a child, not ONCE in my life
ive been hunted and threatened and put on a pedestal and had to deal with things no other person should ever have to go through since i was a BABY
and he was the only one who loved me
and it was WRONG so was EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME
and this was the only thing that felt GOOD
can't i have that? can't i just.... fucking have that? as a memory? as a part of something so fucking....
OR DOES THAT HAVE TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME TOO?
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, MY PARENTS, MY FRIENDS, MY CHILDHOOD
my life
can't i just have this one twisted, broken, fucked up piece of a broken, fucked up life
for once
...And so, word about her relationship to Snape gets out very fast. The public of course has a lot of awful gossip and opinions about her, Snape, and their relationship. Naturally, everyone in the public thinks that Snape took advantage of her and is an awful monster of a person for it.

And George is now the only one that knows Harri's side of it, having (alongside Fred) been counsel to her as she was going through it.

But I dont think anyone knows about how close George and Fred were; Harri was also the confidant for Fred and George.

They both have these deep, taboo relationships, but one became public and the other one never was.

It creates a chasm of experience between the both of them.

I think George struggles a lot with feeling... like he wants people to know. Like their relationship, how much they loved each other, will be lost to secrecy now that Fred is gone.

...But he knows nothing good will come of it.

And that public opinion on her relationship to Snape gets to Harri, who only ever experienced the relationship through the lens of being in it as a teenager.

She has to process her own retroactive revulsion in response to it. How she rememebers it felt, how she "should" feel about it now, how she does feel about it now. How those allign or don't allign. Was he a monster? Am I a monster? She can't reconscile her feelings with her past or present.

"Can love be... wrong?"

His first instinct was to say no. No, of course not. To reach out to her. Tell her it's alright. But George knew this wasn't going to be an easy conversation. He did reach out to her, but he paused for a moment before deciding on an answer. Or rather, another question.

"...Well, ...what do you mean?"

"I mean. Can it be wrong to love someone."

Harri had been staring down into her lap, but now looked up to hold George's eyes. A furious storm crashed behind her own, one he recognized. One he was a bit afraid of, at times. One she wanted him to be afraid of, he figured.

"Was Snape wrong, to love me?"

He took her hand, and chose his words carefully.

"...There was a lot more than love at play, Harri."

She threw his hand away. He was not careful enough, apparently. Maybe there wasn't an "enough" for her. She shouldered him off, her voice rising.

"Then it's true. Even you think he hurt me."

George didn't have to try to be sympathetic, his own feelings tore at him as he ushered his words out.

"That's not for me to decide, Harri."

He reached out for her again reassuringly, expecting her to throw him off once or twice more. This was their ritual.

"...That's not for anyone else to decide."

The words must have struck true, as she didn't pull away. He braced her shoulder, lending stability without enclosing her. It said that if she needed to run, he would let her.

She didn't run.

George is really who she leans on for this... because George has a much kinder view on this, and on Harri, and on his own relationship to Fred and how things can be many things at once, and they are what they are and were.

But a lot of times she just feels like there's a 800 mile chasm between her and everyone else. She grieves for the life she shared with Snape. She rages against it being ripped away from her, while nauseated by her own self-doubt... but was really ever good at all? She's terrified of her memories being warped. She wants it to stop haunting her and let her go. In the end, she still loves him, deeply. She feels broken.

"When he was dying I… I could see it in his eyes, even at the very end he- he was just looking at Lily. [breaks down crying] He didn't even see me.

...And I hate him for it. I was fighting so hard. So hard for him to just... see me. And he still didn't. He never just saw me. She was always there and I- I knew it. And I tried- I wanted him to- I wanted him to just be mine, so badly. I loved him. I'm still… George I can't stop loving him and it's. It's killing me.
I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"I'm so sorry Harri."

"I want him back so badly."

"I know. It's okay. It's okay."

George knows Harri's relationship with Snape and his with Fred can't be truly equated, and he has sort of an... advantage, there, in a way. In Harri's more hateful moments she'll think "You can be so Zen about this because your relationship was 'less wrong' than mine"... and the fallout of horrible thoughts that come from that hierarchical mindset.

But at the same time, George's view on her/her sense of reality is actually the closest thing she has to feeling... okay.

And she waffles between feeling like that's justified, or if she's just leaning on lies.

She thinks "maybe George is just a monster too".

"Maybe we're BOTH monsters."

Sometimes Harri and George find solace in "we are just both irrevocably damaged".

Harri definitely comes to term with "I have never been normal, not once in my life, and I never will be." and the grieving peace that comes with that.

Both of them come to acknowledge that what's done is done. What's dead is dead. All they're looking at now is memories.

"The parts that were beautiful aren't made any less so by the parts that were monsterous.

...and the parts that were monsterous weren't made any less so by the parts that were beautiful."


It's the brutal amount of emotional fluctuation that Harri ends up going through that really is the hallmark of this after-story.

She rapidly goes from vomiting on the floor, to haughty and excited, to just crying in bed with George. All in an afternoon.

George has his own processes to deal with but they're so much more under the surface for him.

Harri is always has been, and always will be, super violently on the surface with her emotions. [laughs]

George kind of... takes solace in THAT actually.

As if he's vicariously raging through her.

George lost his other half, and feels like there are parts of him he just can't access anymore.

Ever again.

And Harri is not the... replacement for that.

No one ever will be.

He's a different person now.

But Harri is somewhat of an outlet for him, and he knows he's sort of... relearning how to walk, using her as a crutch. And Harri is aware of this in a way, but they both need each other so badly the codependancy is like a vice that they allow themselves.

Having Snape was the only way Harri was able to deal with the fucked up nature of her life without dying. Quite literally, as well as metaphorically/emotionally.

Without him, and in hindsight as life cools down, she's realizing just how deeply fucked up it was, in all respects.

From her birth, she was an object to be murdered. A device to be used. A spectacle to the public. Inhuman.

Snape didn't take her out of that awful reality that she was held under, but to her he was the most truly loving person inside of it.

Snape was still part of the tapestry of Harri being not a child to anyone.

But in that tapestry, that framework of reality, he was the only solace to her. Her only agency in it.

You can look at it in a thousand different ways, all of them are correct.
But what made her life worth living?
And who gets to tell her how she should see it?


Snape is dead now. Voldemort is dead now.
Nothing else can come of it.
She wants the last good thing in that memory to stay with her.
It's all she has left.

I am somewhat glad that, as a performance piece I suppose, I released the main timeline before releasing this. Because while this is an integral part of the story, I think in some ways people will get a more "natural" take in the eyes of Harri herself.

To see it first as just as a love story.

Because that's how Harri saw it.

people want hurt to be some easy thing

a villain, holding a knife

often it's just a rose

and you don't feel the thorns until it's ripped from you

the deepest wounds enter softly

and leave you torn

and empty

<= Epilogue

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